This article is to some extent comment on an important issue, and also to some extent a cathartic process for me!
Football consumes me at times....if you're a coach as well I'd hazard a guess you can relate to some extent. Whether it is relationships with your own players, tactical concepts, planning coaching sessions...it can be all consuming if you love the game with immense passion.
From a young age I was brainwashed - not in a bad way but football was fused into my conscious and subconscious daily life. From a 30 mile detour to visit Crook Town's ground in the middle of summer whilst on holiday, to sharing a freezing cold referee's changing room with my dad and two fellow officials down at Port Soif on a wet January Saturday afternoon, to trips to The Priestfield Stadium, Loftus Road, Dean Court, Feethams and (our beloved) Ayresome Park amongst many other football grounds, and all whilst on family holidays I might add, to worn out video tapes like Keegan's Kids and episodes of Midweek Sports Special with Elton Welsby, to kickabouts "up the club"....I remember it all with fondness.
I love this game.
I guess young George has had a similar experience to some degree - he knows his Taddy Albion from his Lincoln City, and now his Real Jaen from his Real Madrid. But life is more complex these days. Video games, mobile phones and the like have been a real game changer for kids....but the game and the way it has been coached has changed too.
We can all get awfully serious about the game, and in doing so we can take the fun out of the game for kids. Yes....guilty as charged your honour.
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| Under the watchful eye of his father |
Separating your responsibilities as a coach from your responsibilities as a parent is difficult when you wear both hats. The way I see it, as a parent I'm responsible for his safety, his happiness and for guiding his moral and ethical compass. Basic virtues such as good manners, respect and care for others, and always giving his best are things I try to instill if at all possible.
As a coach, it's almost the same, with the addition of the football itself...but the subtle differences are significant. You have to balance the team's needs and ensure you take the same care over every other child as you do over your own, but you do so without the background you have on your own kid. In my case and I suspect most others in similar circumstances...your own child invariably gets less "care" than others.
If another child misbehaves or has an off day, I put it down to the fact the kid is only 10 and it's perfectly natural. If my son does the same, I link it to him not getting such a good mark in his last exam...or the fact he was mean to his sister...or to the fact he ate shit loads of sweets before his tea last night. It's a school of hard knocks..and that's not always a bad thing but getting the balance right is difficult.
I was told by my old man when I was about George's age I'd probably never make it as a professional....he was right and in doing so he helped me get perspective that I needed. In the end I played as close to professional football as was possible for a few seasons. I did ok, and made the most of what I had ability wise...so to me his approach with me worked pretty well.
I apply the same logic to my own son...we've had the same conversation more than once. I've worked with young professional footballers day in day out and I know where most of them ended up, and I am lucky enough to understand both the statistics and the reality of what broken dreams in a footballing sense can look like for a young kid who has chased it, driven by loving parents....loving but perhaps naive to the realistic prospects for their child.
I have tried to get the balance right with George as a parent with a background in football up to now. My approach was simple...don't push him too hard. Just give him the opportunity to play and to practice if he wants to, with a couple of basic words of advice ("use both feet", just as my father told me). He's been lucky to share dressing rooms with teams I've managed, put cones out at training sessions, watched as I go on my own journey and shared the highs and lows with me at times.
He played grass roots football at a friendly club in England where values and equal opportunities were more important than winning, and when invited has spent time at a pro club which has given him experience of good coaching and a more elite environment.
As it stands now, George is one of the most talented players I've seen at this age....if you know me you'll know that's not something I say lightly or with any bias. His technical ability, understanding of the game and relationship with the ball mean he has the type of profile and qualities that the best clubs look for in elite young players. He is light years ahead of where I was when I was 10.
But rather than jack in my job and wait for the offers to come in from top clubs that will secure our family for life...I am thinking he might need a break from the game.
He is more like I was at his age than I have led you to believe so far, and some people might think he's not actually much good at all.
George is behind his peers physically - skinny, no core strength (like bambi on ice more often than not), no dynamic/explosive capability and very slow over short distances. Mentally he lacks confidence, finds an excuse for anything that goes wrong and will take the easy option every day of the week. In addition, he has just "found" Fortnite - crack cocaine for kids in my experience - and he also seems to have lost his appetite at meal times though I suspect he is eating the sweets his pals give him when he plays with them, and seems to be lacking energy and football fitness as a result.
Football in Spain, and at our club, is more serious - it's part of the culture. In our team, we try and balance fun, learning and technical development with good basic values. George's "respect" for the game is on the wane, and neither Antonio (The Head Coach) or myself (The Waterboy) are prepared to accept that and allow a prolonged period where George falls below the standards of the team - it would be the same for any of his team mates.
We are near the end of a long season which is one factor, and of course I am mindful kids have ups and downs. However, failing to even try to do your best for more than a week or two is not accepted and nor should it be. The team is of a decent standard, and the boys here prepare properly, work hard and are mature beyond their years compared to teams in the UK.
George may snap out of it, he may not. There is a part of me that naturally wants him to achieve everything he is capable of in the game.
And this is where I have to step in as a parent and not a coach. As his coach he has to conform and contribute if he wants to be a part of the team. As a parent he has to finish what he committed to do but know that he doesn't have to continue if it makes him unhappy and he'd rather play in a different team where the game isn't so serious or even stop playing all together.
It is easy to forget my role as a parent here, to forget that he looks to me for much more than just guidance as a coach. I've always been comfortable being direct with him, to the point of being harsh. As a parent I think that's worked ok, or at least I've always felt I'm doing what's best for him at the time. As a coach who is also a parent, I have found getting the balance right is difficult because the emotions involved in football can cloud your judgement. This is something that all coaches and managers experience - emotional intelligence is a critical part of a coach's tool kit. But it's the first time I've really experienced it in this context.
I take my hat off to those of you who have been the father/coach for many years...I won't be doing it for as long as you! That said, I am always learning, and the experience can only help me as I continue with my own footballing journey.
At the age of 13, I had a whole season where I stepped away from football and continued to play other sports. When I came back to the game a year later, I had changed a lot and my progression from that point onwards came about quicker than my peers.
A part of me feels that whilst more football, more coaching and more opportunities is good for kids, there is such a thing as too much football...or at least too much structured football. By George's age I had barely played 3 competitive games and attended a handful of "training" sessions.
He has already played over 100 games and attended over 250 coaching sessions...and I'm not sure that is entirely beneficial for him.
George will develop physically. He will become more comfortable with structure. He will grow in confidence and develop a sense of determination and more resilience. He will make mistakes and he will learn from some of them if not all.
When I write that I immediately connect those changes with football....force of habit. But football will take care of itself in it's own good time and to a large degree I have no control over that, no matter how many detours we take on family holidays :-)
More important for George is the impact it has on his development as a human being...and I'd be well advised to remember that next time I lie awake thinking about my next training session.
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