Retreating into the Shadows

 I'm done coaching

No, this isn't a teenage tantrum or a response to criticism from the terraces or a player's family. I just cannot fit coaching in my life, and to be honest I don't even want to any more. I've spent most of the 12 years I've been coaching trying to juggle other, frankly more important factors with a burning desire to coach/manage.

When I stopped playing I knew I was heading for the dug out. If ever someone who played the game was destined to coach it was me. Big mouth, massive in fact. I'd been telling everyone else what to do for years, giving team talks, helping managers recruit, taking warm ups, leading post match inquests....you get the picture. I felt like I'd be good at it.

I also knew where I thought I'd end up coaching. I mean, level wise. I thought I'd work in the semi pro game and perhaps even in the pro game once I'd progressed and made my way along the journey. I expected to go through the gears so to speak.

In reality I've gone backwards in terms of level, at least perhaps in the eyes of those who view progression as a linear journey through the senior pyramid towards the Premier League.

Right from the word go I had to turn down opportunities I would otherwise have said yes to. My reputation as a leader meant people thought I had something to offer but had to be with a degree of understanding or compromise around my ability to commit. I was lucky to be afforded such flexibility, and lucky to have a family to hold dear and a developing career to help support them.

After two great roles as a first team coach, my first management role as Guernsey's manager was an unbelievable privilege and a prouder man to do it you will not find. Winning two Murattis had very little to do with me and everything to do with a group of players who were exceptional. I got a good group of staff together, did a load of interviews and the players did what I knew they would. It was a steering job and I certainly wasn't an accomplished coach at this point, if ever I have been.

I went on to coach and manage in the UK and I loved it. I took roles at former clubs or worked with U21/Development set ups where I could set the schedule around my work travels and family commitments. I gradually learned how to be a better coach and had a few great years out on the grass, and then we as a family decided to move to Spain.

Football wise I thought this would be great for me, and for 3 years it was. I continued my education as a coach whilst learning the language here which football undoubtedly helped with. Working at a great club with high quality facilities and some excellent young players, I developed my ability to coach younger players. Whilst I still think I'm best working with young adults and senior groups, learning to coach younger players helps smooth off the rough edges a little and certainly made me a much more rounded coach. The experience at CD Rincon helped me and the family settle into the local community that much easier and I'll always be grateful for that.

However, once the initial growth period passed, I found that I struggled to master the final but most important elements of the language. I could plan and deliver sessions, talk before, during and after games whilst getting some key points across in the dressing room and could also coach from the sidelines to a reasonable extent. But my ability to really connect with individuals and help them solve important problems around both football and life issues never developed sufficiently and I felt that I was only half the coach I could and should have been. I adapted, I tried to use different methods and forms of communication which all helped...but not enough.

Even more so, mentally it can be really taxing on the brain trying to coach in a second language and fitting everything in to two or three ninety minute sessions a week is tough. You need time and time is not something you have as a part time coach whether it's in that split second moment where you need to go in and get an important coaching point across or the day after when you'd love to take time to sit down with that player who needs some additional support. Nobody tells you this but by the end of a session delivered in a second language you are very tired not to mention frustrated at your inability to deliver what you know the players need. This feeling lingered and got worse, and whilst others probably thought I was doing ok, I felt I was doing the players and myself a disservice.

Finally, I changed jobs last year and I can't really describe this any other way - it is really hard work. It's a great job but requires long hours and sometimes with little notice of the extended hours. I'd not enjoyed turning up feeling ill prepared due to work calls overrunning or missing sessions due to regular travel with my previous employer, but the new job is with a US firm and I often have calls scheduled between 6 and 9pm.

Working longer hours at my desk also meant I was even less prepared to work at my best on the training ground. I tried to make it work for a few months but honestly I did not enjoy it those last few months and football only added to the pressures of work and certainly wasn't the enjoyable release it should have been. I now know what anxiety looks and feels like, and football wasn't helping.

The commitment that football in Spain requires is probably greater than it is in the UK. They train more and plan less. You often only find out when your game at the weekend is due to be played a couple of days beforehand so that precious family outing you planned can often suffer as you have an away game an hour's drive away. It's not a great deal different but everything stops for football here whereas there seems to be a little more forward planning in the UK. I couldn't quite keep up.

My goals changed over the years. I had to choose between actually coaching and gaining badges so I started but never got near completing my UEFA B. As time went on I realised my choice to live in Spain meant my options in the game were diminished rather than enhanced simply because I couldn't stop the rest of my life to get both the language and the qualifications I needed to progress. I reset and just decided to work on developing young players, but in the end I always felt I was short changing someone...and myself.

So there we are, I think I'm done.

Don't feel sorry for me. I have a family I adore and a career I've worked hard over the years to develop. I can give my family opportunities that I couldn't really have dreamed of years ago and I live in a place where we can do that in beautiful and warm surroundings.

I do feel a sense of loss because I thought this was part of my identity and I don't mind saying I think I had the makings of a half decent gaffer or even a coach out on the grass developing players.

I've coached nearly 500 players in those 12 years and some excellent teams too. I got to manage my country, my beloved island Guernsey in what to me is the greatest and most historic football tournament in the world. I've coached players who have gone on to professional clubs, semi professional football or who have just stayed in the game at an amateur level. Quite apart from developing footballers, I've been able to support players through various moments in their lives. To be in a position to influence young people's lives is a hell of a privilege I have never taken lightly - and the players I've worked with will never truly understand what they gave back to me. I have also coached with and been supported by colleagues who are among the best people to walk the earth....real life heroes and angels. And the move to Spain has been an immense blessing for me and for the family - football here has certainly played its part in making me feel that way.

The coaching community has never been so well connected, well informed and well supported. There are thousands of coaches much better at the job than I am out there and I'm not ashamed to say that this makes me realise just how competitive the coaching marketplace is. There are so many coaches out there willing and able to make enormous sacrifices to progress as coaches.

Football is still a lifeblood, my passion...I wouldn't be who I am today without it and I will always find ways to indulge that passion. But it's not everything...and you can't do everything. It's ok saying "follow your dreams" or "if you want something badly enough" about coaching but for me at least, there are things I'm lucky enough to have in my life that are more important.

So no hard lines messages required. I'm doing more than fine and I'm grateful for it all...particularly to everyone who has supported me in the last 12 years. Good people are everywhere in football, contrary to public opinion! So thank you, and good luck everyone.